A little heart broken...

I just found out my best friend is pregnant... I am so happy for her because she has been trying for so long and had to go through IVF to get pregnant, but I am so sad for me... I am now officially the only person out of all my friends or family who hasn't had a child. I am also the only one who has had a miscarriage... I feel like my body has betrayed me, not only can't I conceive naturally, but also I can't even stay pregnant.

I feel sick right now, I have this dull ache all over and I want to cry so bad... yet I can't even do that any more.

Its like I have cried so many tears that there are now none to shed. I feel the pain and sadness but I just walk around, not being able to show it any more. Its like a resignation to this situation. Kind of being shell shocked too many times. You just grow quiet, distant... I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the pain, yet anyone else wouldn't see it.

I wish my friend all the best, I hope that she has a happy and wonderful pregnancy... yet I feel more empty than I have felt in a long time. I just keep thinking, if only.... if only my sweet baby had survived, if only I could get pregnant the 'natural' way, if only it was me...

If only I didn't have to feel like this today

YAY!!!

I thought that in preparation what could be the 'big move' (that's what I am calling it), I would start looking for fertility specialists and I found a fertility clinic in the town I may be moving to!!!

I feel so relieved because I thought I may have to do a lot of travelling for this, but now that I know that there is one there, well it feels like it all can fall into place a little easier.

I am anxiously waiting for Friday for my job interview and then to see what the future holds... no matter what I want that future to have a child in it. I am not ready to give up on this dream

Oh boy!

Well, got an email today from one of my referees, the job I am applying for has contacted them for a reference and I haven't even interviewed yet!. I have to admit, I am a little scared... Thinking of having to live away from my hubby  and only seeing him a few days a week for a few months... having to go through the IVF and then the first few months of pregnancy ( I had a missed miscarriage diagnosed at the 12wk scan the last time)on my own .... it is a scary prospect.

I have to toughen up! there is little else I can do!!! please, please, please universe, give me the fortitude I need at this time in my life

Getting there

I got a call yesterday for a job interview. I am really exited yet a little apprehensive as this job is interstate and it will mean having to move... at the moment its all so up in the air. My husband is also looking for a more permanent job and we decided some months ago that whoever gets the job first is where we stay.
The only problem is if we both get our dream jobs! then I will have to move interstate while he stays here and because the job I am looking at is only a 60% load, I will travel between states one week and he will do the other. However with the IVF and (hopefully) pregnancy looming, it puts another strain on us...

I am also looking at a possible job where I live, which I am hoping will come through... then there wont be a need to relocate. I have my fingers crossed and leave it to the universe to decide. As long as we get to where we are going I don't mind the road we have to travel.

Good and bad news

Not sure if to start with the bad or good...

I guess start with the bad. I saw an article in the paper bout a couple who were suing their IVF doctor for "wrongful birth'- i.e their child has a inherited genetic disorder which rendered their child handicapped... and they are suing their IVF doctor for 10mil, why? because their doctor gave them the number for a geneticist but when they rung, it was a switchboard and they couldn't be bothered ringing back and their IVF specialist never brought it up again! So what has this got to do with me I hear you ask... well the doctor being sued is my IVF doctor! I am now hoping that he doesn't decide to close up and stop practising! he is great and those people need to take responsibility for themselves and not blame him!

Now the good news- I joined a decent exercise group and personal training sessions! it is costing me a bomb, but hey IVF is going to cost a hell of a lot more so I want to give myself the best chance I can. as I think I mentioned earlier I'm about 10kg overweight and I really want to loose it so I am doing all I can.
I'm up at 5.30am and training by 6am. I do a different exercise group everyday- weights, cardio, boxing, circuit and stretching and then a personal training session on Fridays. I am sore all over and have discovered that I have muscles I never knew they were there lol! but when I think of what I may gain, to think that I could carry a child healthily and give birth to a little person! well that is worth all the pain and suffering I am going through.

Also my hubby is coming along with me, he also needs to get healthy as he is about 8kg over what he should be and it is great to have that commitment from him, to know that he cares enough about this to go that little bit further.

So I am a happy girl right now... I am hoping that in a few days and I can have great news about my weight!

Today is the day that it all starts! I am exited yet apprehensive... the last time we had such high hopes and then we lost the baby... It almost killed me.

So I am trying my best to remain calm. I will star BCP's in March and then injectable in April and then with a bit of luck we can have our dreams come true.

For now I have to concentrate on me. I need to loose some weight, 10kg in fact, so I have taken on a personal trainer and will begin working out next week. I am thinking for the next month I will only do one session per week, but I think it will probably be best to take on 2 at the beginning of march. I will also do group classes during the week, that way I will not be trying to drag my butt to the treadmill (which I normally don't do) and have one day off a week.

I am also looking at nutrition which is SUPER important at this stage (maybe even a little late to start) I have my vitamins and will begin taking the fish oil for vitamin D (it is so gross, but hey what can I do)

So there is the plan. I will update everyday and I am hoping that in a few short weeks I will have some wonderful news!